I should have kept my mouth shut.

So yesterday while at a meeting for work, I started to make a realization. This realization had been made before, but not so much as it was made last night.

Everyone was given a cut-proof glove as their own, and we were instructed to write our names on it. There is a second person with the same first name as me, and I could have written my first name then last initial instead, but I chose to write my initials 'NAS'. As I sat in a room full of strangers who knew so much about me, due to the fact that they claim me to be a 'creeper' and a 'stalker', because I had tried to tell someone about this previously and it didn't go so well, I realized how naive I had tried to be like the rest of them.

First off, lets rewind again back to four years ago...

I should have never told those people anything to begin with, as to begin with, they treated me poorly anyway. I thought maybe it could bring us closer together, but I was wrong of course, as I can see from results. Since then, I have absolutely no job security. Every time I get a new job, these people make it THEIR jobs to make sure that I don't have an easy time. And rightfully so... as accumulating the Sun God is of course a vile act of mankind. I guess according to those people.

So, four years later, I'm stuck in a meeting in a room full of strangers whom I know nothing about and care nothing about. Ironically, I get pinned as some psychotic 'stalker', despite the fact that I can't sleep with both my eyes closed because of this entire group of people that call themselves 'the loop'. This 'loop' is the accumulation of pesky and unwanted family members, coworkers, and ex-friends. Strangely, these people who find it right to harass me, are also people whom I've tried to nix in life, and their main goal is to pay me some kind of revenge for the past. Somehow, they have the time in their lives to orchestrate this, and though I don't do much besides work, I can't find the time to do anything like the things they are able to accomplish in their time. They constantly think they are 'spying' me and 'getting' me, and they are, but not because I'm not watching my back, but because I just don't really care. Only time I care is when I can't just continue on with life like when I have to deal with this at my job. Is it because I am really crazy, or is it because they know by now that I have the Sun, and I'm not ready to just hand over something I worked for to people who act creepy and childish. For the record, I'll never tell these people anything, and I believe they know this by now. That is my best reasoning for the situation, as I can't find any other logical reason to spend time in your own life trying to ruin someone else's, besides the fact that they may need either a hobby or a shrink.

And now there I was... sitting in my work meeting, looking down at my glove with my initials on it. I didn't want to do it again, I already knew what it said, but I did it anyway. I rotated my glove around and saw it...

There it was again, in case I had forgotten, which I had tried to many times. I realized again that that was why it was there. It was as if it was telling me, "don't you dare forget NAS... don't you even dare forget what you are." I have tried to, but it did a good job. If it wasn't for the maniacs in my life riding me every damn day, if it wasn't for the contacts spying on me almost every damn night, and if it wasn't for my initials, maybe I could. But it is obvious that I can't. And now, even since I've been completely sober for a matter of months, from marijuana and even alcohol now, nothing has changed. In fact, the feeling has gotten more clear. When I used to smoke weed, it was better. I could smoke and forget. Now that I am sober, everything just gets clearer and more obvious. Fortunately I saw a doctor and he prescribed me with an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I checked it out more in-depth later online, and came to learn that one fo the symptoms it actually treats is PTS(post traumatic stress syndrome). Later in this entry you'll learn how this may help me more than anything. Before that I even tried a psychologist, but by the time I had gone to my second appointment, I knew it would be useless. My problem wasn't that the Sun was fake, the problem was that it was real, and anybody who doesn't know is obsolete to helping talk my way through memories and problems.

When I saw my initials like that again, a whole rush of memories came back. I think back to when I had gotten, before I had gotten and what I did to get it, and then what happened afterwards. The strangest thing is that these flashback and memories are usually concluded naturally by my mind by imaging the Sun in its physical form in my head. If I want to suppress these memories quickly, that is usually how they are ended.

But then I made my biggest breakthrough since I had gone sober and changed my mindset. I realized that anybody in my life who I had cast away, who continued to harass and follow me where I went... they had it good. The Sun would never be to me what it could be to them. The Sun to me was a frightening memory. An inducer of insomnia and mental health issues. Shadowy work and objectives that had been ordered... then carried out by ME. All the people who harass me and exile me, just simply like to add more problems to the pile of problems I've already had in the first place. Sadly, they still don't win against me. But that is beside the point. I guess the point is that I realized that I had a good position in life, but ti came with repercussions. I'm violent, and people chastise me for this, without realizing the conditioning that this being subjected me to. I'm violent because I live in a dangerous world, filled with criminals, armies, banks trying to steal, people in my life trying to harm me, or putting me in places that can harm me. Of course I'm VIOLENT. Durp. I get called a stalker, when in retrospect, I actually do quite resemble one. When Sun sets and night comes, that's when I am awake. That's when it is time for me to survive. I have a military-issue hunting knife in my room that was a pass down from my grandfather. Sometimes now later on, when I still try to keep myself inside and out of trouble, I look at it, and all of sudden it's like jungle drums are playing, and I'm imagining myself creeping around at night, looking for an enemy or assailant.

The Sun made me what it wanted to, and now I'm just stuck, purposeless, while everyone around me treats me like some fucked up crazy person. All I want is for them to see themselves for who they REALLY are. I am not the crazy one. I have been conditioned to defend myself from the closely the same type of people they act like every day. They sit high and mighty upon themselves, thinking that my life is ruined because they aren't there. It is the opposite! My life is becoming ruined... because they ARE there! They are the crazy people, the ones who keep bugging, keep pestering, keep bothering. My life is hard enough as it is. I don't need people in my life who are petty, unwise and unfair. I tried to get rid of them, and they are still there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... if you're reading this and I don't know you, just remember this information that I put on this site is for YOU. People deserve to hear the truth, and unfortunately no one in my life is going to make it easy for that to happen. The only way is to write this site and maybe if you are surfing and happen to find it, maybe you'll gain a bit of interest. If you are reading this and I DO know you, just remember what I just said. The fruits of my labor are obviously for people I haven't met yet, because I've met you, and you don't deserve it, and all you are going to get from me is a bookmark to this site. Even though from what I've learned about you in the past, you may not know how to bookmark a web page, because bookmarking a webpage has nothing to do with being greedy, selfish, obnoxious, closed-minded, or ignorant.

Get the point. The same being who made your "Bible"... taught ME some things too, and it definitely wasn't anything you can find out about in a book that you can still place in the 'fiction' section of the library next to "Harry Potter" and "Twilight". Get a grip on reality dude, and stay out of mine. If you want to be a drone to the system that inevitably will fall anyway due to its own shortcomings, do it and mind your own business. I don't want to trust the system. This site is for people who want the truth and want to develop and progress.